Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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