"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize