the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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