i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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