sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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