This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
