During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
