he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
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