listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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