oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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