I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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