i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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