You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
