I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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