wrigley field is MILF paradise
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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