ya dads aren't the best wingmen
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
