i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
