mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
