I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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