I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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