I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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