these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
