haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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