i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize