Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
