Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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