is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
