You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
