I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
