I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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