I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize