apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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