i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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