I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
