When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
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