I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
