I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
