just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
