She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize