Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
