i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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