you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
