I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize