Old men and throwing up are my life now.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
