I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
