i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
