last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I look better un-naked...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
