I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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