just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
