oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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