so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
