my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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