just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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