We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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