I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
