bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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