Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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