Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We're too hungover to prance.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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