just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
How naked do you want me to be?
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