You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize